


Position's Filled

by trascendenza



Category: Kitchen Confidential, Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Genre: Crossover, M/M, doppelshipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-01
Updated: 2007-09-01
Packaged: 2017-10-06 13:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trascendenza/pseuds/trascendenza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>You</i> suggested I hire him.  You said the pretty boys get us more business."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Position's Filled

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this was just an excuse to imagine Bradley Cooper making out with himself. I have no regrets.

Jack threw down the turnip, stomping his foot on top of it. "Get this out of my sight," he spat out, glaring at Ben.

Ben tried to pick up the half-squashed root vegetable but Jack's foot lashed out again, nearly catching his wrist.

"Do. not. pick. it. up."

Ben swallowed, looking like he was contemplating whether he'd get any bones broken if he tried to reach it again. "But, sir, you said to—"

"_Worms_. You found _worms_ in that turnip. _You do not touch it._"

"…but you want it out of your sight, sir?"

Jack's nostrils flared dangerously, and his hands twitched when he looked at Ben's neck.

"Yes, sir!" Ben said, scrambling for a pair of tongs that Jack slapped out of his hand before he even came near the offending turnip.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT."

Ben rubbed his wrist, looking forlornly at the turnip. "But, sir, I need to pick up that turnip—"

"OUT."

Ben, his sense of self-preservation finally kicking in, ran.

"Should know better than to let the drones handle food." Steven said, crouching down to examine the half-squashed worms with interest.

"_You_ suggested I hire him. You said the pretty boys get us more business." Jack said, getting a paper towel and wiping off the bottom of his shoe. "Jim! Get that box of gloves Ramon's been saving up for you."

"And you _listened_ to me?" Steven said.

"Has past experience taught you nothing, Jack?" Seth mused off-handedly as he gently kneaded some dough.

"Yeah, what were you thinking, man?" Teddy slid his fingers into the private and squishy parts of the halibut.

"Well, if you wanna know the truth—" Jack's grin was wide and cocky, "there wasn't a whole lot of thinking involved when we got to the blow job portion of the interview."

The chicken was offered, and Steven duly fed it.

The tone set, Teddy shared the latest of his romantic escapades with Jim's mother—there was mention of snow ball fights and hot cocoa naughtiness—and Steven bragged about shagging three women whose names he couldn't remember, but _might_ be written in Sharpie (or other worse, more permanent options) on the back of his ass. Seth tried to maintain a level of unattached dignity, but finally broke down and admitted that even working with cream here in the kitchen was starting to get to him.

And when Jim, after disposing hygienically of the turnip, quietly wondered why he hadn't been granted the privilege of servicing Jack sexually during the interview like Ben had, he was stripped naked; Steven and Seth voted that they wrap him in strips of fillet fish. Teddy nearly knifed them when they tried to take his halibut, but they coerced him by promising he could still serve it on the menu that night with the promise of an "exotic Eastern sushi-cutlet fusion."

Jim was wrapped, Steven examined his ass for tattoos that hadn't been there before, Seth let one of the new guys take over creamery duty, and Teddy found new fish to fondle.

*

Jack tossed his keys on the table and eyed his answering machine warily. He'd slogged through half a dozen messages about business things that he'd actually have to _think_ about (damn) when a figure emerged from the bathroom, head wrapped in a towel.

"How was work?" Jack asked, throwing the bills down and walking over.

"Terrible. The boss is a real bastard," Ben said, towel-drying his hair.

Jack rested his arms around Ben's waist. "I hear you're on your way to a promotion."

Ben kissed him back onto the couch, straddling him. "I'll have to make sure I'm on extra good behavior around him, then."

"Or bad," Jack said, slipping his hands up under Ben's boxers. "He likes bad."

*

Ben offered Jack the water bottle, panting, naked and flat on his back on the bed. "So does this mean I can stop pretending to be an idiot?"

"But you're so cute when you play stupid."

"They're going to catch us in that walk-in sooner or later. I think the scary bread guy already knows… the way he looks at me." Ben shuddered.

"Like he wants to tear your heart out and eat it? Yeah, he does that. Just don't look him in the eye." Jack smiled with a fond memory. "Seth learned that the hard way."

"Uh, anyway." Ben rolled over and put his hand on Jack's chest. "They can't say you're breaking any rules if you're dating the P.R. guy, can they?"

"But that ruins all the _fun_ of having a rule-breaking relationship."

Ben nibbled at his ear. "But just imagine the looks on their faces when they realize all those jokes you made about us are actually true."

Revelation spread like a slow dawn across Jack's face. "I bet Seth would cream his pants right there."

"You might even be able to make Jim faint if you tell him about how his locker door got that dent."

Jack was nodding, the wheels of _how can I most effectively traumatize my staff?_ obviously turning in his head. "…I like the way you think."

"And here I thought you just hired me for my looks."

Jack grinned, kissing him. "Like I said. I like the way you think."

*

"…so he's going to be handling all our events and press coverage."

The staff, in unison, narrowed its eyes at Ben.

"Yeah, you know—I forgot to mention his college degree. And stuff."

The staff took a moment to evaluate, quickly got bored with what it saw, and heaved a collective shrug before beginning to disperse.

"Oh, also?" Jack called back as he and Ben were halfway out the doors. "Ben's been feeding my chicken for three months." Jack smiled his best I'm-the-cocky-asshole-you-love-to-love smile. "Just in case any of you were thinking about trying to kiss my ass, or anything." He laid a hearty smack on Ben's ass, which earned him a glare from Ben and the abruptly widened eyes of the staff. "Position's filled."


End file.
